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February 12, 2010
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Last but Everlasting: a poem by ErrantCrow Last but Everlasting: a poem by ErrantCrow
In February
I'm half a year away
from the here, the now,
the red pink days
of stung lips and crushed
hearts—of candy and crayon
declarations of love.

No, in February I'm behind it,
gone away to bask
in the red letter daze
of cologne and headier spices,
back in a time of pumpkin grins
put to shame by wide smiles,
perfect teeth, and the press
of denim Armani thighs.

In March I'll remember the bitter end, but
in February, I am still in love
with an autumn Ramadan:
the starving twilit dinners, the clash
of skin tones in the light of day,
(the last but everlasting) when
you led me by fingers at my throat
and taught me to kiss under a pale sky
vainly embracing the October sun.

—————————————————————

I don't know why, but around Valentines when I'm alone, I'm not bitter. I'm nostalgic. ...Damn, but that was a good autumn!

E.C.

P.S.: For any critiques out there, I more or less define the amateur poet. Help me with flow and clear metaphor, please. Flow, especially, with this one. I think the image and the poem fit together well, but of course any comments/suggestions on that would be welcome, too.
:iconarbaxa:
Considering that you are writing in free-verse, the outcome of the combined usage of the words is beautiful. It is sometimes hard to describe emotions when you are using figures of speech since a little bit of the twists of words and you'll be implying a whole different emotion. With this poem, I think you have done a good job in using your words. They are enough to make the writing more dramatic and just enough so that readers would understand. If you are presenting this though to a younger audience, you might want to limit the use of figures of speech for their understanding. But since this is a contest, I think you did just fine. In terms of puntuations, I think you've missed some commas along the way. This helps make the poem more understandable, at least for me. The whole feeling of Valentines is depicted in your poem. Both for those who are in love and those who are, I should say, out of love. That is a good part of it. Regarding the flow of the poem, you did a good job on this one. From letting the readers know how the nostalgia started to stating how you feel during the process and until the conclusion, you have guided the readers well. It doesn't make you read the whole thing and when you're at the end, you'd have to go back up to understand what the writer is trying to say. The picture makes a good combination with the poem so I wouldn't comment a whole lot about that. For me, the combined usage of words and the whole expression throughout the poem was exemplary. For an amateur poet, like you said, you did a good job.

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:iconmaluh13:
maluh13 Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
:iconcritique-it:

It has a very nice flow. I like the images and metaphors. They help telling the story in an indirect way.
I have to say, my favorite line is: the clash
of skin tones in the light of day

it brings some memories back =)

I feel like the last stanza is not as strong as the two others since the first line is too much of a give-away and a little redundant. you already refer to "this" moment in your first stanza.

Besides that, i found your poem very enjoyable. good job!
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:iconwriteescape:
WriteEscape Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2010  Professional General Artist
:iconcritique-it:

i like the flow of your poem. :)

the way the words flow make me want to continue reading poems :) good job
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:iconthedarknesscontinues:
This poem is beautiful, a little wistful and sad. Well done.
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